“Though the Lord seems absent because of his silence, he is there because of his promise.”
“Yet, I am always with you. You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with your counsel and afterward take me to glory.” Psalm 73: 23-24
It has been 20 years since I was dragged out of the pastorate and given a new congregation: the world. I thought I would spend my days as a pastor to a local congregation. It was my dream, it was my prayer, it was what I wanted to be from my youth. Although I aspired to follow my father’s path, I was unwilling to proceed unless I was certain it was my calling from the Lord. So, in college I studied to be a teacher and after waited to see if that call would come. It did. For 45 years I served in various positions within the church. The last 26 years as a senior pastor of two awesome families in California.
In 2005, I went through the darkest days of my life. My dreams were dashed in a season of great darkness. I won’t go into detail here, but the Lord used it to be a crucial turning point in my life. I sensed he was giving me a new calling. It never crossed my mind to be a missionary. As a young man I remember altar calls where we used to sing, “I’ll go where you want me to go dear Lord, o’er mountain, or plain or sea,” and thinking, “as long as it isn’t Africa.”
We left our church and founded a ministry called Give Me That Book. We had no salary. This was to be a faith venture. I believed that the Lord promised me that he would lead and provide the resources if I would go. He raised up a host of givers from my family, friends and former church members who have faithfully supported us with contributions and prayers for all these years. The Lord has been faithful.
Our first focus was upon Biblical training for pastors around the world. We traveled to the Philippines, Austria, Argentina, Kenya, Zambia, South Africa and Malawi, teaching pastors and church leaders the life-giving truth that is found in God’s Word. During this time, we also took up the task of writing our first book, Give Me That Book. It was an attempt to testify to the treasury of truth that is found there for troubled times. The Treasure that is found there is Jesus Christ. There, he speaks, revealing who he is, who we are and how we can find a lifetime of joy in seeking and serving him.
My own engagement with the Bible was deepened through personal crisis. I had spent 365 days devoting myself to Psalm 27. I would take my Bible and my Starbucks and go down beside the ocean. There I would pray, read, journal and memorize this one chapter. Discipline turned to delight, as Jesus came and spoke to me through his precious written words. Words fail to capture what he was doing in me during that one year. It changed my focus, my ministry, my life!
Then, the mother of all storms hit! The psalm that was my hearts delight became a weapon in a real spiritual fight. In the weeks of darkness, the enemy came with his lies. I heard, “God has left you.” “You are a failure.” “You might as well quit.” “Your ministry is over.” “It’s all a sham!” Then, the words I had devoured in my heart that year became a weapon in my hands. I took up the “sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God,” (Ephesians 6:17). The truth beat back the lies. My faith in God was strengthened. My love for Jesus was deepened. My confidence in his Word was entrenched.
In 2013, the door was open for us to become missionaries to Malawi. In my earlier travels I had visited Malawi and fell in love with the people and was impressed with their hunger for the Word. Their pastors had no training in theology and were largely ignorant of the Word. Very few had their own Bibles. So, one of our priorities became the establishment of Action Malawi School of the Bible. Since we founded the school, over 1,100 Church leaders have graduated. They are scattered throughout Malawi and Mozambique, preaching the Word and seeing incredible victories. Hundreds of churches have been planted; villages have been transformed; the name of Jesus proclaimed.
Then cancer attacked. In November of 2024 my mouth was operated on. The left side of my mouth was numb and I lost all taste. The worst part was the effects of the treatment. Radiation to my face caused my saliva glands to produce a thick substance in my throat. I could not swallow it. It had to be coughed into tissue. At night I could not sleep and days were filled with struggle. I was in bed for months too weak to walk. Every area of my life was impacted: my body, my emotions, my thoughts and my faith.
I descended into the valley of the shadow of death that was much darker and deeper than my previous struggle. I did not feel the Lord’s presence. I cried out but heard nothing. What carried me was the promises of the written Word I had put to memory and the prayers of my partners. Although my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I could affirm with Asaph, “Yet, I am always with you.” (Psalm 73:23)
The moving out of that valley has been a long and arduous trek. I am still trying to understand why the Lord ordered those days. I came to three conclusions: 1) It reminded me of the nearness of death and the importance of my last days. 2) It reminded me that though the Lord seems absent because of silence, he is present because of his promise. 3) That year of spiritual drought increased in me a deep thirst to drink from the Fountain of my joy. (Psalm 42:1) I want to know what it means to seek his face, (Psalm 27:8); to seek him and find him, (Jeremiah 29:11) to see his glory, (Ex. 33:18) and to commune with him as friend to Friend. (Ex. 33:11)
The Lord has graciously granted me more days to seek him, see him, savor him, serve him, share him and find satisfaction in him. My prayer is for my students to seek and find the One who is the Joy of life. The One who is there. The One who is not silent.